light & dark & the in between

It's raining outside. Or maybe it's not anymore; I'm not sure because I closed the door to the side porch and now I can't hear the raindrops sifting through the trees and plummeting to the ground, and also I can see now a small gap of blue in the sky when I look out the window that wasn't there before.

Maybe it's strange but I always dread that moment after a storm when the clouds give way to the sun. I like rainy days and I like sunny days, but that's the thing, isn't it, I like my days to be rainy or sunny, completely, one thing or the other, not both, not one melding into the other. It's like the sky is getting dressed and it makes me feel strangely sad and uncomfortable to witness that transition.

I'm like that with a lot of things in life, wanting to fit them into clean cut boxes that'll never be their homes. It happens with weather but more often than that it happens with people. People never just stay where you want them to, do they? They're never one-dimensional, which is partly what makes them so wonderful and partly what makes them so aggravating. I say them, I mean us. "We" is my least favorite pronoun; I'm not fond of the way it fits into the grooves of my mouth, of the way it makes my lips work just to create a sound redolent of a ghost. Of course, I say that to be pretty, but what I'm really hinting at is I'm afraid of its implications, of somehow creating a false sense of belonging with that innocuous one-syllable word.

See what I mean? Everything is more than it seems.

It's so stupid. In all the stories, it's 'he loves me,' 'he loves me not.' There is no petal for 'maybe.' But life is not a storybook and I've always known that, the way you know that someday the Earth will be engulfed and transformed into just some other particles of energy floating around in space or something. You've learned it and all but you don't constantly think about it, and when you do, you're sort of like, oh. Why?

Because it seems most things in life are maybes, mixed with some possiblys and unlikelys and a good amount of "who the hell knows?" (I don't.)

People aren't simply good or bad, and they're not just nice or dumb or pretty or whatever the first thing is that comes to your mind when you think of someone. They're the product of all their loves and fears and thoughts and actions welded into something...human. It's not just people, either, but everything on this earth, and maybe beyond, that's a blend of tragedy and triumph. Feelings, emotions: they're never just happy or sad; they're "content at the present moment but slightly scared and slightly excited for the future, simultaneously wanting two contradicting things, etc. etc. etc." or one of a million other variations. Nothing is black and white, it's chiaroscuro, it's a million shades of everything in between. It's so much more complicated and convoluted than anything your mind, your beautiful and powerful mind, can fathom. It resists simplification, but simplification is the only possible way to ever sum it up.

+

It's dark again; nighttime dark now. A fair amount of time has elapsed since I started this and, as I ate my dinner in the interlude, I wondered why I even felt the need to reiterate something that everyone probably already realizes, that yes, stereotypes are bad. I think it's because we all forget sometimes. I do. But when someone makes you cry, remember that someone else has made them cry once as well. When someone does something that annoys you, quickly remember the swell of pride in your throat you get when you watch them excelling at something they love. Remember, remember that no one is perfect, never, but that you love them for a reason.

I am not inherently nice but I think there is a being somewhere within me who is and if I allow him to speak through me I can get across what I want to, I can swallow an extra breath when I want to shout something horrific and I can, maybe, maybe I can open my mouth and say the sort of kind things that make me want to melt when other people do. Is that God or am I crazy or what?

I can't say for certain.

a wednesday playlist

right now from starlightandsunshine on 8tracks Radio.

I really like these songs. I don't have much to say today, so I'll let the music speak instead. Enjoy!

(background photo credit: Maria Perry)

instagramin'

Here are some Instagram pictures from the past week or so. You know, the regulars. Selfie, cat, camel (...what?). Anyway, it's been a good week, if tiring. I have a lot of homework and I haven't slept past six since Sunday. I had another meet this morning and while my time was actually a bit slower than last week (it was a lot hotter and the course was different~), I was able to pass a few people so that was a good feeling. Also while I was running in the woods I saw a squirrel running up a tree with an entire corn on the cob in its mouth. So that was fun.

I'm going to shower and then sleep forever. Over and out.

p.s. my instagram name is heykendall, in case you were curious.

i'm the queen of nothing, i'm the king of the world

It's been a week full of ups and downs. Mostly ups, really, but a few downs.

kinda unfocused, but that's my new haircut for those of y'all who haven't yet seen

Thursday was our first late start of the year and so I went out to breakfast with some friends which was nice. I had my favorite meal of gingerbread pancakes with chocolate chips and bananas and quickly became so stuffed that I had to finish the rest for lunch. Also my friend drove me to school for the first time and I didn't die so that's worth noting! That day was just peppered with nice things like getting to sleep in and waving at people and thunder/rain and I don't remember but it was good.

Then Friday was pretty mediocre which I kind of expected because after a really good day usually comes a day that's not so great. It just dragged on. That evening was the cross country pasta party which was really hardcore and by that I mean at one point there was a large crowd gathered around a chess game. Hahahahaha get crunk. (That was for Claudia's benefit.) Yeah but there was pasta and salad (to be ~healthy~) and cake (which I passed on because I'd already had two pieces of cake at school -- Cake Club, wooo).

Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30 for my first cross country meet. And yeah, that was interesting. See, I was supposed to run JV. It was only going to be 2 miles, which was manageable. But that's not what happened. Due to other people being gone and my not wanting to be the only girl from my school on JV and  deciding to just get it out of the way first thing, I ended up running varsity. For my very first race ever. Let me tell you, I kind of wanted it to be over before it even started. It was pretty bad. I lagged behind a lot and I realized that I liked the part in the woods better than the part where people were watching because everyone was cheering you on and maybe it's supposed to be nice but it just feels kind of condescending when you're in last place, like, 'Oh good work sweetie, here's a 'you tried' sticker, I'm just glad that's not me'. Other people made me feel weird for thinking that, I don't know. But that's just with strangers; I don't mind it if it's people who actually know me, like my teammates, because that feels more genuine and I really do appreciate that. Anyway, after it was over, I remarked to my friend, "I don't think I've ever run a 5K before." And so all things considered my time wasn't all that bad for my first ever meet and my first ever 5K.

I enjoyed being finished with running and just cheering on the guys, though. I should've been a cheerleader, dangit. I could have some real potential there.

On a semi-related note, I kind of miss soccer. My team sort of disintegrated after last season and this is the first time in a while that I'm not playing. It feels kind of weird; not necessarily the not playing it, but the not being a part of that team. Now I have cross country, which is good I guess. I really like being on a team. It just makes working out a lot better, and you have a variety of different people with whom to interact, who are often different than the people you're normally friends with. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but yeah. It's nice.

Anyway, after that I had to go shopping to get my friend a birthday present and while I was doing that I saw a camel, just like on the street, giving rides I guess? It was strange. I went to my friend's birthday party and it was fun times. I didn't swim but there was apple pie and ice cream and lots and lots of laughing, oh my goodness. I was pretty sassy that day.

Then I came home and accidentally fell asleep for about an hour before my mom woke me up and I just went to bed for real at 8. I didn't even watch Doctor Who, I was so tired. I just hit the hay. Sleep, y'all, it's a wonderful thing. I got about 12 hours last night.

This morning I woke up and watched the Doctor Who from last night and then bummed around all day, sort of half-doing homework, half-...not. It rained all day today, which was lovely. I love it when it rains non-stop and I don't have to do anything and can just lay around in pajamas. It's bliss.

Now I really better go finish my Physics homework. Blehh. Hope you all had a lovely weekend and have a lovely week!

love and other dumb things

I'm tired of people telling other people that they love them when they don't really mean it.

No, girl who sits behind me in Stats, you don't love me. I don't even know your name. You are grateful that I turned in your homework for you so you didn't have to get up, but you don't love me. I'm not trying to be harsh or whatever, but I am fairly certain you don't truly care about me. I know what you really meant, and I'm not offended by that, but sometimes I wish people wouldn't be so flippant with that phrase.

Don't tell me you love me if you don't mean it. Don't say something if you can't prove it. Those three words don't mean anything if you don't back them up. If you say you love someone, you're saying that you care about them, that you like to be around them, that you'll talk to them about silly things and serious things, that you'll cheer them up when they're sad, laugh with them when they're not, etc. etc. etc.  

If you say something like that, of that caliber, and your actions don't match up, it can be misleading and confusing and disappointing. With this random classmate, I know it's just something she said offhandedly and I don't really care. But there are times when it does matter and it sucks when someone says they love you but they just brush you off when you try to talk to them.

Personally, I'm very conservative with my "I love you's", maybe to a fault. It's kind of hard for me to say "I love you", because it means a lot to me. It's easy for me to say I hate people, jokingly, of course, because I really don't hate anyone, but with love I might actually mean it and that's what scares me.

I tell my parents I love them because I am not only appreciative of all they do for me but also feel like we mutually care about each other. I tell my close friends I love them -- maybe not a lot, but I think they know. There are other people I may or may not love, depending on the definition or the day. There are people I for sure think are awesome and I wish I could tell them, because I firmly believe everyone deserves to know when they are loved (truly), but like I said, it's not that easy. It's almost easier just to show them in other ways, than to let those three potent syllables slip out of my mouth.

I don't know. Saying "I love you" should just sort of seal the deal. You should know, when someone loves you, before they tell you. Saying it just solidifies it.

happy monday (is not an oxymoron)

Today, for the first time in what seems like forever, the temperature dipped down into the 50s. I headed out to the track at six a.m. with my arms shivering and teeth chattering. Lesson learned -- tomorrow I will bring a jacket. Because, as someone put it, "anything below 70 is sweater weather".

It warmed up to the nineties by the afternoon, but I'm hoping the cool front will stay a bit. As uncomfortable as the cold can be, anything is a welcome respite after weeks of 100 degree weather. It means autumn is settling in. I love the arrival of new seasons because it's the most consistent and predictable kind of change. After being without something for nearly a year, whether it's cold weather or flip flops and shorts or being able to sing Christmas carols without being looked at like a crazy person, you start to crave it again, even if you get tired of it a few months later.

In other news...there isn't much other news, to be honest. Um, I got my hair cut last Thursday. It's just below my shoulders -- the shortest it's been in a long time -- but it's much more manageable this length. Uhh...school... I don't want to speak too prematurely and have my words come back and bite me, but so far I'm liking junior year better than sophomore year and a lot better than freshman year. I don't even remember much of freshman year and that's probably because it wasn't that memorable at all. Last year was better, but I hope this year will be better still. I feel like I have things figured out a little more and I definitely feel more comfortable there. I'm a bit more involved and a bit more confident and it doesn't hurt that my classes aren't killing me (yet).

I wish I had something more interesting to say, but that's life and that's it. I suppose spending all day in the same place, doing roughly the same things, day after day, doesn't lend itself to many exciting stories.

I'm going to have to get more creative.

Not now, though. Now I think I'm going to go read.

dear you,

Today, when you said that you were tired of being sad, I wanted to say, I'm tired of you being sad, too, so chin up, buttercup. I wanted to say, there are so many things to be happy about in this world! I wanted to say, have you ever thought about how amazing it is just to be human -- not to be a rock or a grain of sand or a single cell organism, but a human -- a living, breathing human being, today, right now, on planet Earth? Don't you know what a miracle that is -- what a miracle you are? Why would you ever want to waste that by being sad?

Maybe it's because life is relatively manageable right now, or maybe it's because I've just gotten better at managing it and taking everything in stride instead of freaking out, but I'm pretty happy most of the time. So it hurts me to see other people hurting. I want to make it better, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure how. I always mean to say something: Don't hate yourself. You deserve happiness. I don't know if I love you, but trust me when I say that someone does.

But those are just words. Just silly little words, and they always catch in my throat, and you never quite look at me at the right time, and well, it just never happens.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but I also know that sadness can be quite irrational and hard to control, so maybe it's all futile anyway. After all, you can't ever save people. You can only love them. And so maybe all I can really do -- better than any lectures or advice, however well-intentioned -- is just to let you know that you are loved.

love, me

(The crux of this was written a while ago, with a few different people in mind.)